The first time I went to a Christian based therapist, I was freshly home on a university ~sabbatical~ trying to understand why my brain was working the way it was, (read: it wasn't) & I was willing to try anything I could get my hands on, & I'm a Christian so obviously a therapist with the same values will be of great help to me, right? 

As I sat on the stuffy couch, trying to explain things as well as my jumbled mind could, I realized I was sorely mistaken. 

On Suffering | And How To Help Vegas

Everytime a tragedy happens I tell myself I will stay off of social media & just let things sink in. But like a train wreck, I keep coming back, hungry for updates, information, anything, which sometimes sends me into a despair knowing that there is so much evil in the world, so much suffering.

It's incredibly sad how we've become so accustomed to disaster because it's such a frequent part of the world. In my short twenty three years there are at least five major tragedies/ terrorist attacks I've lived through, & that's just off the top of my head. Kinda hard to remain an optimist in these times, yeah?

My faith is an incredibly important part of my life, (the most, if we’re getting specific) & in trying to live out the Word, I at times feel guilty for my humanity. I think it’s just part of my DNA, I feel guilty for the silliest of things. Suffering is supposed to be for a reason, to make us better. But that doesn’t mean that everything happens for a reason, I don’t believe that. 

Sometimes things just happen. People do evil things, and it hurts and you don’t understand and you’re so, so confused.

& that’s okay. It’s okay to be outraged and heartbroken. You’re not a bad person for that, you’re human. We all react to tragedy differently, we all grieve differently. Me, I’m a ‘what can I do’ person, but I also feel this heavy cloud on my heart. For me, doing keeps the cloud away, but not everyone is like that in the face of disaster. 

It’s okay if you’re one of those people. 

I feel like I’ve said ‘it’s okay' maybe every other sentence & I'm not even sure if this post makes sense or if I'm just rambling by this point, but the point I’m trying to make is that yeah, suffering is a part of the human condition. Terrible things are going to happen, but you don’t always have to be brave & positive about it. You can shout your pain through the rooftops. You can be angry & grieve & be motivated to do more.

& then, you can begin to move on and live, because life is long but so so short.

If you’re feeling a tad helpless, I promise this yoga practice will help send some positive light! & if you want to donate, here is a good gofundme.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. -Psalm 147:3

xo,

kae

It's only life.

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Life isn't perfect. It's messy and unpredictable and heartbreaking. But it can also be wonderful and beautiful and magical if you let it. Take the good and the bad and just breathe.

Don't ever lose your faith or that spark that makes you so wonderful. It's only life. And it's your life, so make your own rules. And refuse to give up.

Grateful Heart Monday

It's grateful heart Monday on Ember Grey and I love it. I love the idea of starting the week on a positive note and remembering the important + simple things.

So here's what I'm grateful for today:

+ Those can't-put-it-down-it's-so-good books.

+ Music.

+Taylor Swift. {She gets a separate one because reasons}

+ Yoga.

+ Life's pretty + inspiring things that are oh so beautiful.

What are you grateful for?

Grateful heart

It's often hard to start off the week with a grateful heart. But even in the midst of this messy life, there are so many blessings. 

Today, I am grateful for...

+ The beautiful grace of God.

+ End of summer rain.

+ This wonderful blogging community.

What are you grateful for today?

Sparks of madness

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Today, my heart is broken and there is little to say. I'm not going to tell you all the things about suicide I'm sure you've heard so many times before. But I am going to tell you that if you're struggling, please talk. Speak out. Ask for help. It will be one of the hardest things you ever do, but it will be so worth it.

The world is a little less funny now, but always remember this:

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it." -Robin Williams.

You are so very loved.

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Darling, there's no such thing

I've been in a bit of a writing funk the past few days. If you blog, I know you know what I mean. Most times ideas will flow through your brain like there's no tomorrow, but sometimes the ideas are few and far between. 

There have been times when I don't know what to write and get tempted to just throw something together, but I'd much rather just not have anything for the day than something that my heart wasn't totally in. I'll be the first to admit that I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect and write perfect things.

Today was supposed to be an outfit post. I didn't like the photos or the way I looked in them. It wasn't "perfect" so I gave up on it.

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The concept of perfect is abstract, but there really is no such thing. There is no perfect life. Perfect body. Perfect wardrobe. Perfect writing. Perfect anything. We can only be the best version of ourselves. Live your life with grace instead of striving to be perfect. Do you. There's no one better.

He gives you grace

I think it takes a lot to admit we're in need of grace. But the truth is, we all need it, for it is by His grace that we are able to live, to be free of the demons that haunt us, whatever they may be. 

"By the grace of God I am what I am."

I put one foot in front of the other,

and I looked in the mirror and decided to stay.

Oh how I thank the Lord for His beautiful and perfect grace. Because of it, we are able to pick ourselves back up and be okay again. Because of it, we are free from the sins that weigh us down. Because of it, we are renewed.

The calm + the storm

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Storms of life are kinda like literal thunderstorms. Everything can be beautiful one second, birds chirping and children playing and laughing in their backyards. And then, seemingly out of nowhere, the sky grows dark. There's the rumble from above and a few sprinkles. And then the downpour. Endless amounts of rain. Suddenly everyone runs inside seeking shelter to wait out the storm.

Life can be like that. It can go from being beautiful and wonderful and everything you've ever wanted to being dark. Scary. The thing about storms is no matter the strength, the impact can still be devastating. 

Maybe it's losing the love you thought would last forever.

Maybe it's fear of the future.

Maybe it's loneliness and doubt of ever finding "the one."

Maybe it's terminal illness.

Maybe it's the shattering of dreams.

Maybe it's just that you suddenly feel lost and broken. Hopeless.

You see, life isn't always wonderful. It isn't always calm. But that's okay, because even when you are at your lowest, your loneliest, He is there. You never have to walk through the storm alone. You ever have to wait it out alone because you are worth waiting with. And He never lets go.

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and staff, they comfort me." 

-Psalm 23:1-4 

Words + red lipstick.

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Wear red lipstick.

Make an entrance. 

Most importantly, let the light of Jesus shine in your words.

P.S. He Loves You

Erin, one of my favorite bloggers + writers, released a little ebook/ devotional awhile back. It's taken me longer than I planned to finish it, but I got there. 

I kinda wish there was still more left. 

See, this devotional is more than that. It's raw. It's honest. It's real. Each day I read it, it broke me in a wonderful way. It reminded me of the amazing love of Jesus. 

It's written in a series of little letters to you, the reader, and it is powerful y'all. 

This ebook is good for the soul and leaves you feeling whole and reminded of your love + worth in Jesus. 

You can purchase the book here if you'd like. Oh, is it worth it.

Salvation under your breath

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What if I told you that your tears haven't been ignored? All those heartaches. All those dreams you thought got shattered long ago. All those sleepless nights of pleading and praying.

You haven't been ignored. He hears you, beautiful. 

And there is salvation.

"What if I told you your tears haven't been ignored
And everything that was taken can be restored."

Even if it feels as if He has forgotten you, He is there. Wiping your tears, making you whole again. Never forget that.

Draw me deeper

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Dear beautiful,

I hope you know He wants to know you.

He wants to draw deeper to you, and for you to draw deeper to Him.

I hope you know how much He loves you, even in your brokenness. 

Don't be scared. Pull Him closer.

On this Good Friday.

Today, let us remember the sacrifice and amazing love of our Lord. 

It is finished. 

Happy, free, confused, + lonely at the same time.

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I believe happiness is an abstract concept. It means so many different things to different people, and people make themselves happy in all kinds of ways. When you're in a season of sadness, making yourself happy seems kind of impossible.

But I've realized something. It's only impossible if I make it that way. Sure, I can't magically be all smiles and rainbows 24/7, but surrounding yourself with positivity can most definitely help. And lemme tell you something else.

You can make yourself happy by pretending you're happy. Fake it 'til ya make it, am I right? Personally, up until recently, that whole concept felt like I was lying to myself. But it's not really lying so much as taking the first steps toward your own version of happiness. A couple weeks ago, after another long day of trying and failing to not feel sorry for myself, to not let loneliness get to me, I had enough.

I came up with a new plan of sorts, and wrote it down.
No more of this woe is me business. No more being afraid to give my fears to God. (Kind of ironic, don't ya think?) It's time I create the life that I want, the happiness that I crave.

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Why should you settle? If you're unhappy, change it. Start doing more of the things that make you happy. For me, it's all about the simple things.

The first sip of coffee in the mornings.

Getting lost in a book.
The beauty in laying in bed with no sound but my record player.
Wearing lipstick + listening to Arctic Monkeys (It makes me feel like I can conquer the world)

The same kinds of things might make you feel good, or it could be completely different. It doesn't matter.
What matters is that you take your life and make it what you want it to be.

As for me? I'm pretty complicated, and that's okay.
So right now I think I want to be a little happy,
a little free,
a little confused,
and a little lonely.

At the same time.

With you

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As I write this, I am currently confined to the recliner, with my pandora on shuffle and an ice pack on my face. I think I look worse than I actually am. I didn't get into some crazy accident, I just got my wisdom teeth out.

Ouch.

It actually wasn't as bad as I had feared it would be. In my little anxiety plagued mind, I was just sure something was going to go terribly wrong. And it felt like no matter how much I talked and prayed about it, the little tugging in the pit of my stomach wouldn't go away. Even though that feeling is nothing new to me, it frustrates me because I know I have no reason to worry.

In those moments I have to remind myself that I am human. We all worry.

It's how we deal with it that counts.

He is with us and keeps us wherever we go. I had to remember that as I sat in the chair getting ready for them to put the IV in. He was with me in there.

He is with me when I am alone driving in my car.

He is with me when I am surrounded by people.

He is with me when I am feeling anxious.

He is with me when all of the worries I have bottled up inside come tumbling out.

He is there, holding my hand. He keeps me close to His heart. 

So dear friend, know this one thing: 

"I am with you and will keep you wherever you go." -Genesis 28:15

A love that thaws

Last weekend, I saw Frozen.

I know, I know. I'm a tad late.

Oh well.

The sort of theme throughout the movie is the thought that love will thaw a frozen heart, and I love that. Because, love does thaw. It has the power to do so much, and I am reminded of the strength and power of Jesus' love. 

Oh, how He loves us.

He loves us in our sin, our brokenness, our weakness, our pain. The most broken of hearts can be healed with Him. 

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Trust in Him because He knows what is best. He knows the desires and sorrows of your heart. He knows your deepest fears. He knows everything, and He will heal your heart.

A letter to you for your Monday.

My dear,

As you wake up this morning and sleepily make your coffee, as you look in the mirror and put on your makeup, as you make your way to class or work, I hope you know how much you are worth. I hope you know how much you are loved. You are loved oh so much.

May you always remember this little fact. May you never feel like you are worth less than the world. You are worth the world and so much more.

"She is worth far more than rubies and pearls." -Proverbs 31:10

He loves you if you are whole.
He loves you if you are empty.
He loves you if you are broken.
He loves you if you are insecure.
He loves you if you are confident.

Don't you get it? He loves you no matter what. And oh yeah, I think you're pretty rad too.

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xoxo, Kae.

P.S. I made a tumblr for the blog + sharing things that inspire me. The url is withdignityandcoffee if you so desire to visit. :)

Hope of glory.

"Do not let your shame chain you again to your past sins. Be intimately bonded to Christ instead, the Hope of Glory." 

Wow.

This She Reads Truth plan is breaking me in the best way, and at the best time. Kinda funny how that happens. 

If there is something you're holding onto, let it go. 

God has. 

Your demons have the power to control you and tell you so many lies. Don't believe the lies. Get your power back into your own hands. With you + Jesus, there is nothing that can't be done.

You are strong.

xoxo, Kae.

She Reads Truth

I've been hearing about She Reads Truth for awhile now, and I always liked the idea of it. 

But I never started any of the plans. 

I was scrolling through instagram the other day and saw a post from one of my favorite bloggers Erin, and she was talking about it. And I was inspired. 

So Friday night I put Taylor Swift on the record player, made some tea, and began catching up on the latest study, on Lent. And let me tell you, it was exactly what I've been needing. Just me and Jesus. 

This week one of the chapters they focused on is Psalm 130. They challenged readers to share their thoughts about it on Friday, but since I didn't get started until Friday, I'm breaking the rules a little bit.

Shhhhhhh.

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"Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord."

These parts of the chapter speak to me the most. I cry out to Him, and my soul waits for Him and His timing. I put my hope in His word. I am in a season of waiting and a season of heartache. But I wait. And I know that it will be okay.

Wait for Him. Cry out to Him. He knows what's on your heart. He's got you.